“Discuss your first love and first kiss.”
“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis
I’ll write about it, as if it were a story, because that is what it’s become to me.
I was 15 when we started dating in 2001; I remember, we became official on December 16th. I was in the 10th grade. Unfortunately, I don’t remember too much because I’ve allowed those memories to slip away (like most of the ones both before & after); I guess, we really do only remember what we choose to.
These days, the only thing that ever surprises me is that it all ended.
I look back, and I think about the beginning, the middle & the end. It’s hard to even grasp the present situation in light of the previous.
Every thing happened so quickly & it lasted for so long — we became best friends; inseparable.
I remember, we’d been dating for 3 (maybe even 6) entire months before he kissed me for the first time. I had butterflies; it was adorable.
I still don’t know what he saw in me or why he ever chose to date me.
To me, he was the greatest thing that ever happened; cute, funny, witty, charming.
He was the one who was supposed to prove me wrong; the one who was supposed to keep loving me when I was unlovable, when I couldn’t even love myself. I believed that he could save me. When everything came crashing down, I believed that he would rush in & protect me from a broken world, that he would prove me wrong.
But, alas, as we know, the story ended & eventually, I realized that it was never his job to save me; it was his job to love me…and, well, I guess that in this story, he wasn’t the prince that I was longing after, I’ve learned that he was a human who chose to walk away — but ultimately, the pain that came from this story lead me into an even greater story.
Our broken relationship & the damage that was caused — it ultimately allowed me to reach out to my one true Prince; it allowed my heard to be opened to my Creator, the only one who can truly Save.
Now, sometimes, I look back & there is a sting because I know that God is a God of reconciliation; I see people struggling with their marriage — trying to find that fulfillment & feeling empty because their spouse isn’t providing it. Your spouse cannot fill you; that is not and will never be their purpose. Their purpose is to love you until you are able to find that fulfillment in God, alone.