they can’t save you.

“Discuss your first love and first kiss.”

“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.” 
― Oscar WildeDe Profundis

I’ll write about it, as if it were a story, because that is what it’s become to me. 

I was 15 when we started dating in 2001; I remember, we became official on December 16th. I was in the 10th grade. Unfortunately, I don’t remember too much because I’ve allowed those memories to slip away (like most of the ones both before & after); I guess, we really do only remember what we choose to. 

These days, the only thing that ever surprises me is that it all ended. 

I look back, and I think about the beginning, the middle & the end. It’s hard to even grasp the present situation in light of the previous. 

Every thing happened so quickly & it lasted for so long — we became best friends; inseparable. 

I remember, we’d been dating for 3 (maybe even 6) entire months before he kissed me for the first time. I had butterflies; it was adorable. 

I still don’t know what he saw in me or why he ever chose to date me. 

To me, he was the greatest thing that ever happened; cute, funny, witty, charming. 

He was the one who was supposed to prove me wrong; the one who was supposed to keep loving me when I was unlovable, when I couldn’t even love myself. I believed that he could save me. When everything came crashing down, I believed that he would rush in & protect me from a broken world, that he would prove me wrong. 

But, alas, as we know, the story ended & eventually, I realized that it was never his job to save me; it was his job to love me…and, well, I guess that in this story, he wasn’t the prince that I was longing after, I’ve learned that he was a human who chose to walk away — but ultimately, the pain that came from this story lead me into an even greater story. 

Our broken relationship & the damage that was caused — it ultimately allowed me to reach out to my one true Prince; it allowed my heard to be opened to my Creator, the only one who can truly Save. 

Now, sometimes, I look back & there is a sting because I know that God is a God of reconciliation; I see people struggling with their marriage — trying to find that fulfillment & feeling empty because their spouse isn’t providing it. Your spouse cannot fill you; that is not and will never be their purpose. Their purpose is to love you until you are able to find that fulfillment in God, alone. 

You’re looking at it.

09. What you hope your future will be like.

When I was a little girl…I wanted to marry a Prince…haha, no, I’m totally kidding. I wasn’t that kid. When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up & become an attorney & save the world. Instead, I’m sitting here, after a long day — writing — I’ve just done the dishes, I’m getting ready to wash my babies cloth diapers. My husband & I are trying a whole foods diet, exercising. We’re both becoming super healthy; we both love Jesus more than anything. Our home is full of joy.

When I think about where I’d like to be now or in the future — I’m living it, every day. I adore my husband, I have amazing children. The Lord has allowed me to live another day & I’m content with the fact that tomorrow isn’t promised. 

I love people entirely & that is what I’ve chosen. 

Of course there are things that I’d like to accomplish; I’d like to earn my degree (working towards it) & I’d like to own a small house where we can invite people to stay & spend time with us; where we can serve our community. I’d love to help the homeless more & give more. I’d love to publish a book & share my heart with the world. 

So, I’d like to think that I’m destined for great things because I’m blessed to serve a great God. 

& I couldn’t be more grateful.